Are You a Bland Enough Dude to Rescue Heather?
by Frank15
Summary: Alejandro has kidnapped Heather for what she did to him. Now it's up to Noah to venture forth and save her from Al's evil clutches!  For The Total Drama Fanfiction Exchange 2.


**Are You a Bland Enough Dude to Rescue Heather?**

"Urgh!" Chris was pacing back and forth in his office. It had been a year since _Total Drama World Tour _had ended, and Chris did not like remembering that show. Chris picked up a dart and threw it at a dartboard in his room, with a photo of Katie and Sadie on it… though he missed the dartboard by a mile.

"You'd probably hit the picture if you moved it to the other side of the room." Noah was standing behind Chris, smirking, as he was handing Chris a coffee drink in a Styrofoam cup.

"I wasn't aiming for the picture, I'll have you know," Chris said, glaring at Noah, then threw another dart, completely missing again. "I hate those stupid contestants so much, they're unworthy of my priceless darts!"

"Your plastic-tipped darts?" Noah asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Hey, these can still hurt!" Chris whined. "You see how it feels!" Chris threw a dart at Noah, but somehow missed Noah, and hit Chris, who yelped in pain.

"Your right," Noah said, smirking. "Few people have such precise aim."

"You aren't paid to talk," Chris said, rubbing his forehead.

"I'm also not paid not to," Noah said, still smirking.

"Look, I've got a problem," Chris said, poking Noah in the chest. "It's your job to fix my problem. That's what you get paid for!"

"Minimum wage," Noah said. "Not worth it. I'll just go work at McDonald's. Still evil, but without needing to go on ridiculous life-threatening missions, at least."

"But it's important!" Chris whined, stomping his foot. "And besides, there's something in it for you! You like Heather, right?"

"You mean the girl who sued you for the million dollars she lost that was essentially your fault for being stupid enough to carry that much money on you in cash, and won that suit?" Noah asked, raising an eyebrow.

Chris' eye was twitching. "Cut that out! Anyway, Alejandro kidnapped her, and I need you to rescue her."

"It's not like you to care about the welfare of others," Noah said.

"Of course I care," Chris said. "If anything happens to her, my name is inevitably going to get dragged through the mud, blaming me for pitting all of the contestants against each other, or something stupid like that."

"Figures."

"Since I'd rather keep this situation out of the media, I want you to rescue Heather."

"I'll pass," Noah said.

Chris threw his hands into the air, angry. "Fine!" Chris took out his wallet, and took out five one hundred dollar bills. "Five hundred dollars to go rescue Heather."

Noah snatched the money from his hand and counted it. "Have you learned nothing about carrying large sums of cash on your person?"

"I like money," Chris said. "I love the feel of it. A credit card just isn't special anymore now that every Tom, Dick, and Harry has one."

"No skin off my back," Noah said, shrugging, then exited the room.

"Finally," Chris said, rolling his eyes, then focused his attention on the photo of Katie and Sadie on the dartboard again. He threw the dartboard, and hit Katie's head dead in the center.

"Yes!" Chris exclaimed, pumping his fist, then started dancing around. And the dartboard caught fire, which took Chris a few seconds before he noticed, and his eyes grew wide. "No!" Chris screamed.

* * *

><p>Noah was outside in the city, walking down the street. "Think Noah," Noah said to himself. "Where could Alejandro be?" Noah saw a telephone booth ahead, shrugged, then went into it, and looked in the phone book. "Burromuerto, Burromuerto… aha!" Noah started dialing the telephone, and it started ringing.<p>

"Hello," a girl answered. "Carmen, you've really got to get your own phone one of these days. How much money have you put into that pay phone, anyway? Oh, can you pick me up a sandwich from Chick-Fil-A?"

"It's Sunday; they're closed," Noah said. "And I'm not Carmen. Can you put Alejandro on the phone?"

"Oh, he moved out a few months ago," the girl said. "I'm his sister, Rosalinda."

"Thank you for sharing that information in which I had no interest," Noah stated. "Can you give me Alejandro's new number?"

"Well, he said not to give it out to anyone," Rosalinda said. "But he owes me money, and he won't give it back! So if I give you his number, will you tell him that he still owes me money?"

"Um, sure," Noah said, shrugging, then took out a notepad and started writing a telephone number down. Then Noah slapped his face. "Actually, can I get his actual address instead? That would be better. Thanks." Noah started writing an address on his note pad. "Thank you for your help." Noah rolled his eyes. "No, I'm not bringing you Taco Bell."

* * *

><p>"I can't believe I'm doing this," Noah said, then gulped, at the front door of a house. He shakily moved his hand toward the doorbell, and rang it. "This is it." The door slowly opened, and Noah put his arms in front of his body. "Don't hurt me."<p>

An orange blur knocked Noah to the ground. "Aww, c'mon, Noah!" Izzy exclaimed. "You said you could use my expertise on a secret mission!"

"I could use you getting off of me," Noah said.

"Oh, sorry!" Izzy exclaimed, then hopped off of Noah. "I'm just so happy to see one of my favorite _Total Drama _friends again!" Izzy glomped Noah, making it hard for him to breathe.

"We weren't friends," Noah said weakly.

"Ah, sure we were," Izzy said, then let Noah go, who collapsed to the ground. "You said we were going to go on a secret mission!"

"Heather needs our help."

":Eww, icky girl," Izzy said, shuddering. "You couldn't pay me to help save her."

"I'll give you a dollar," Noah said, pulling out a one dollar coin.

"Sold!" Izzy said, snatching the coin, then swallowing it. "Hmm, I don't taste the chocolate filling." Noah slapped his face in frustration.

* * *

><p>"You aren't going to get away with this, Alejandro!" Heather shouted, tied up in Alejandro's closet.<p>

"This is for breaking my heart," Alejandro said, sounding emotional. "I showered you with love, and you drenched my well-chiseled body in lava."

"Chris did that, you idiot!" Heather shouted. "It's Chris' fault the volcano erupted!"

"But it's you're fault for breaking my heart in two," Alejandro said. "Sniffle."

"Sniffle?" Heather asked. "Are you for real?"

"You hurt me, so now I'm hurting you," Alejandro said while preparing himself a sandwich in his kitchen. "It's only fair."

"Yes, of course," Heather muttered. "It's fair for me to be kidnapped because I exercised my right to choose my boyfriend. Perfectly fair."

"Ah, so you finally understand my pain," Alejandro said, pounding his chest with his fist. "It does not feel very good, does it?"

"Screw you!" Heather yelled. Alejandro cringed.

* * *

><p>"Wow, Alejandro has a moat!" Izzy exclaimed, as she and Noah were standing at the edge.<p>

"OK, I think he's taking that whole arch-villain stereotype a wee bit far," Noah stated.

"Cannonball!" Izzy exclaimed, then curled herself into a ball and jumped into the moat. Alligators immediately tried snapping at her. "Oh, Al has pets! Tee hee, playful little things."

"Little?" Noah shouted. "Those can kill you!"

"Nuh-uh, they're sweet," Izzy said, petting one of the alligator's snouts, though it quickly tried to bite off her hand. "Ha ha, see? He wants to play 'detach my hand'! I love that game! Kind of stings a bit when you lose, though."

"How are we supposed to get across?" Noah asked.

Izzy waved dismissively to Noah. "Oh, that's easy!" Izzy leapt up to grab Noah's hand, pulling him down into the moat with her, both splashing into the water.

"Are you crazy?" Noah yelled.

"Why yes," Izzy said, nodding, then threw Noah up to the other side of the moat. Izzy then used one of the alligator's snouts as a springboard to get to the other side herself. She started dusting her hands off, while Noah was shaking with fear.

"Don't **ever **do that!" Noah yelled.

"Well, can't exactly go back in time. Ooh, unless you build a time machine! You're an egghead, right? I mean, seriously, it's even shaped like an egg!" Izzy knocks on Noah's head, who's getting more irritated by the second. "I mean, a weird rectangular egg, at least."

"Can we just rescue Heather and get this over with?" Noah complained. "I'm not going to finish my calculus if we don't speed things along."

"Aww, come on, Noah!" Izzy exclaimed, grabbing him, then slowly motioning her hand before his eyes. "Look at all of that. That's calculus. Everywhere, all around us!"

"Technically true, but also stupid," Noah stated. "How about we continue forth already?"

"Right," Izzy said, giving a quick nod, then making gymnastic-level leaps through several hoops of fire, though her hair had caught fire. "Tah-dah!"

"Izzy, you're hair!" Noah shrieked.

"You like it?" Izzy said, starting to play with her hair, though she touched the flame, and quickly moved her hand away. "Ow! I'm hot today!"

"It's on fire!" Noah shouted, walking over to Izzy.

Izzy waved dismissively to Noah. "Oh, I know, silly. I wanted to go for a new look! And wow, you're good! You went through all the hoops without catching fire even a little! Lex Luthor has failed yet again, mwahaha!"

"I just walked around the hoops," Noah stated. "It seemed like a kind of stupid trap, really."

"Ooh, I wonder what else Alejandro has in store for us?" Izzy asked. "I mean, usually in these sorts of shows, the traps come in threes. So there should be one more thing for us to look out for before facing the villainous mastermind himself. And I love hearing myself talk, Noah, do you love hearing myself talk?"

"No."

"Well, majority rules, so I get to keep talking! Yay!" Izzy exclaimed, clapping to herself with a huge smile on her face.

Noah slapped his face again. "One person out of two isn't a majority."

"Oh, it's OK," Izzy said. "I rounded up." Noah just looked his Noah look.

Izzy and Noah headed to Alejandro's front door, and Izzy kicked in the door. And found the bear waiting right behind it.

"The bear?" Noah asked indignantly. "Oh, come on!"

"Growl!" the bear growled.

"Wow, this bear knows onomatopoeia!" Izzy exclaimed.

"No one cares, just how do we get rid of it?" Noah yelled, running for his life as the bear gave chase.

"Well, if it's a black bear, you need to fight back, or it'll kill you," Izzy said. "Then again, if it's a grizzly, you need to play dead, or it'll kill you. I wonder which kind it is."

"I don't know!" Noah yelled, still running from a bear in hot pursuit.

"Oh, I know!" Izzy exclaimed, then took a frying pan from out of her skirt, and tossed it over to Noah. "Catch!"

"What?" Noah yelled, but was knocked out cold when the frying pan hit his head. The bear looked puzzled, sniffed at him, then walked away.

"Noah, you're a genius!" Izzy exclaimed, rushing up to glomp Noah, which quickly brought him to. "How did you know it was a grizzly?"

"Never do that again!" Noah yelled. "Ack!" Noah quickly grabbed his head, throbbing in pain. "Why did you throw that at me?"

"Well, see, the other day I finally got around to seeing _Tangled, _and it showed me how powerful a weapon the frying pan can be, so since then, I started carrying-"

"You wanted me to hit the bear with that thing?" Noah yelled. "It would've killed me!"

Izzy waved her finger back and forth. "Probably, but you don't know for sure unless you try. And you might only get one try if you don't survive, but at least you can say you tried. Well, you could say if, except that you're dead, and dead people usually have trouble with their words… well, any words, and-"

"Shut. Up." Noah muttered, catching his breath. The two soon walked through Alejandro's front door, and found Alejandro sitting on his chaise lounge.

"I see you have defeated the bear," Alejandro said, sounding almost bored. "Quite impressive, really. I assume you are here because Rosalind sent you. Well tell her that because she used all of my shampoo, I am never giving her back the five dollars, and you cannot make me!"

"Wait… it's just five dollars?" Noah asked.

"It's the principle!" Alejandro shouted, irritated. "Seriously, the girl doesn't think of anyone but herself!"

"I thought we were here to save Heather," Izzy mentioned.

"Yeah, that too," Noah said.

"Heather will remain trapped in my house forever!" Alejandro shouted. "Unless you are able to best me, of course."

Noah smirked. "Izzy can handle you."

"Yes, Izzy can!" Izzy exclaimed, putting up her fists, glaring at Alejandro. Then sat down. "But I won't."

"What, why not?" Noah asked, surprised.

"Because only the main hero is supposed to fight the main villain in the end," Izzy said. "An epic, yet pure showdown of good versus evil." Izzy tapped her chin. "OK a showdown of neutral versus evil in this case, but my point still stands! My point stands while I sit this one out." Izzy takes a lemonade with straw out from her skirt and starts drinking it.

"O… K…" Noah said, looking weirded out by Izzy. He then shook it off, then faced Alejandro. The two stared into each others eyes for a few seconds, their eyes narrowing with the intensity of their stares increasing. After a few seconds, they stared at each other a few more seconds. Then a few more still. And finally Alejandro lunged at Noah, throwing a punch. Noah tried to move out the way, but he wasn't fast enough: he was hit, and he fell to the ground, and started to groan in pain.

Alejandro stepped on Noah's side. "I am victorious! I cannot believe you thought a puny guy like you could possibly defeat me. What do you have to say to that?" Immediately, Alejandro was kicked in his privates.

From behind: Heather was free, and dusting off her hands as Alejandro fell to the ground in pain. "And that takes care of that."

"Wait," Noah said, a bit confused. "You could have just done that at any time?"

Heather rolled her eyes. "Um, no, loser. While you were distracting him with that so-called fight, crazy girl was untying me."

"That's me!" Izzy exclaimed, appearing from behind Heather, waving her hands frantically. "I'm crazy girl! She remembers me!"

Heather rolled her eyes. "Whether I want to or not, now are you going to get me out of here?"

"You know, Noah did kind of rescue you," Izzy started. "Maybe he deserves some kind of reward? Like a kiss?" Izzy started staring creepily at Heather, who was nervously backing away, but then turned to Noah.

"OK, look," Heather said, looking disgusted. "No offense, if the fate of my wardrobe depended on my kissing you, I'd sooner set all my clothes ablaze."

"Because I'm sure you didn't mean for that to offend, of course," Noah stated.

"Well, Izzy can help with Heather's request," Izzy said, taking a lighter out from her skirt, and setting Heather's top on fire.

"What the-help!" Heather screamed, rolling on the floor. Noah and Izzy smirked to one another.

* * *

><p>This is my part of <em>The Total Drama Fanfiction Exchange 2,<em> organized by **mythologyrulz**. This fic is for **agentxy14**. I hope it was to your liking!

Five things that I want:  
>1. An adventure!<br>2. Noah as main character.  
>3. Chris gets humiliated.<br>4. Alejandro does some evil things.  
>5. A full-out, cold stone burn to anyone.<p>

What don't I want: Any romance, or slash.

* * *

><p>Rosalinda belongs to <strong>Kelsica2<strong>


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